Watching "Shrill" as a young, plus-sized woman from portland

“Shrill” has taken over social media since it’s release on Hulu. Currently, the six-episode series sits on the front of my Hulu page as one of their top picks for me- but that’s not why I started watching.

Earlier last week, I was taking an afternoon snooze when I heard my mom laughing in the living room. I could hear the sounds of the TV as well, because she likes the volume up loud. Soon, I was lifted from my slumber and I waddled myself out into the living room. I said to her “what are you watching?” She said “Shrill! It’s so great. It’s set in Portland.”

I lived in Portland, in the same zip code, my entire life until I moved away for college. I didn’t go very far, but far enough to be living a bit of a different lifestyle than I did living in the middle of the city.

Portland has gotten many stereotypes attached to it since “Portlandia” conquered the world. It put us on the map and the stereotypes from the show were very on point. It is definitely the kind of town full of “healthy” people. There are streets that get blocked off from cars to become bike streets, many food options free of everything you can think of, vegan restaurants on almost every corner, yoga studios down the street, and so on. This kind of eco/healthy lifestyle is something I grew up witnessing and I think that choosing to set “Shrill” in Portland was a smart choice.

Growing up around all of this “healthy” lifestyle stuff made me feel very self-conscious about my body. I’ve been overweight for as long as I can remember and I was very young the first time I remember someone calling me fat. While the people I was around didn’t necessarily fit into the stereotypical Portland “healthy,” their ways of thinking were definitely projected onto my body.

When I was in 8th grade, I began to wear leggings. I had hated jeans for a while because they clung to my chubby tummy and that sure didn’t feel good. Leggings had just become the new trend and I was excited about it. Well, about two months before summer began, my middle school decided to ban leggings. The teacher that I was a TA for, warned me about a week before it was announced to the school. She told me that I could still wear leggings as long as I wore something long enough to cover my butt (something like a long sweater). So the first day of the rule rolls around and I show up to school in this $4 sweater that I found at Goodwill that went far past my bum. I was more developed than many girls my age, I had boobs and a butt, partially due to the fact I was overweight. By lunchtime, I had noticed many other girls wearing their leggings with no issue. However, while I was sitting at the lunch table, my PE teacher decided to come to yell at me in front of all of my friends for wearing leggings. She told me I was breaking the dress code and needed to change. I immediately started crying. I tried to keep it together before going to class, but I couldn’t. I was even called into the counselor's office to get yelled at again because my mom hadn’t brought me a change of clothes yet. I remember sobbing on the phone in the bathroom to my mom asking her to bring me jeans. She did, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her that all of the other, skinny girls, were not getting dress coded. A couple of years ago, when I finally told her, she was not happy.

This memory is seared into my brain. I have been told for so much of my life that it is not OK to be the size that I am. Watching “Shrill” gave me a reminder that it is OK.

Seeing someone my size on the screen felt really good. It felt really good to see her be confident, but it was also important how they showed her struggling. Body image is not easy. The world is telling plus-sized women that their bodies are wrong. People tell us to go on this diet and to do these exercises because they “care about our health” when really, they’re just uncomfortable with women who don’t conform to society’s definition of “beautiful.”

What I enjoyed most about the show was the accurate mix of Annie playing the victim and also standing up for herself. I think that it was really important to make Annie a human with real, human feelings, emotions, and reactions. Sometimes she was the victim. Sometimes she wasn’t but she thought that she was. Nonetheless, it was really good for me to see a woman stand up for herself. Stand up to her boss for being an asshole. Stand up to her troll for calling her a pig. But then there are times where she stands up for herself and she realizes maybe she was playing the victim, like in her fight with her parents. It was important to be reminded that the whole world isn’t against those of us who are plus-sized, but it’s also important for the world to understand that there are going to be plus-sized people out in the world and they have to accept that.

There were two parts of the show that hit me the hardest- one in a good way, and one in a not so good way.

Let’s start with the not so good. Why was it not so good? It was an extremely accurate portrayal of my own relationship with men and dating. I’m 20. I’m usually a size 14, sometimes a 16, depending on the store. I weigh a bit over 200 pounds, sometimes more. I’ve never been kissed. I’ve been on one date. And I’m in college and it’s not easy. Honestly, it doesn’t feel good and there is no way to beat around that bush. It simply sucks. While I wish it didn’t bring down my self-esteem, it does, and clearly, it brings Annie’s down as well.

Annie and Fran are talking about how much of a douche Ryan is. Fran is telling Annie to stay away from him, but Annie brings up the fact that it feels good to have someone want her, to want to have sex with her because she used to worry that that would never happen.

After this scene, I had to pause it. It hit me, and it hit me hard. Why? Because that’s my honest truth. I let myself be led on by men because on the off chance that they want to be with me, I’ll take it. Annie doesn’t care if Ryan doesn’t treat her well- at least he’s going to have sex with her. That’s Annie’s reality and that’s my reality. And it sucks, but it’s the truth. While it was hard to see, I hope that it helps other people who aren’t in my position understand why I feel the way I do.

On a happier note, let’s talk about the pool party. This was one of the best parts of the show. The way that Annie went into it feeling uneasy was accurate. I dread the beginning of the hot seasons because I stress about my body in clothes that show more skin, specifically, bathing suits. I can’t even begin to count all of the times I’ve cried over bathing suits. Or dresses. Or shorts. Or skirts. It has happened so many times I can’t even remember them. But Annie shows up here and feels good enough in her own skin to dance. To take her jeans off, to take her shirt off, and go jump in the pool and enjoy herself. Seeing other people who look like you confident and beautiful in swimsuits feels really good because it’s so easy to think that we could never feel that way. When you see other people enjoying their bodies and living happily in their own skin, it gives me hope that one day so can I.

I think that is the most important part of this show. It shows you time and time again that plus-sized people are human beings and they deserve to be treated as such. We are not pigs. It doesn’t mean that we don’t get to enjoy the food we want. Everyone is different. Every body is different. That is OK. Annie showed me that it’s OK to stand up for myself, that it’s OK to feel good in my body, but also that sometimes I won’t, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel good another time. “Shrill” portrays Annie as a person- a person who does great, but also messes up. It gives you a look into what it feels like to be plus-sized, especially in a city where so many people are trying to shove their version of “healthy” down everyone else’s throats. I hope that this show gets to continue and that it gets the praise and recognition that it deserves.